Resignation

I cried today.

First time in a few months. First time over him in a while- is three months awhile?

Am I just so worthless that I stay with him? Is this what love does? Tears out your heart bit by bit and chains you to prevent escape?

He says he doesn't know why he does it. Of course he doesn't - unless you're truly evil, no man knows why they do it. Why do they cheat on their wives? Why do them beat them? Why do they lie? No one knows. And the weak stay - the bold leave.

Am I weak? Am I weak to stay when I've left before? This is the longest I have ever gone. Three and a half years now- maybe love makes you weaker.

He brags to his fraternity about his little whore. They laugh and deride me behind my back. I know it. He does things for complete strangers that he refuses to do for me. He expects me to let him in and be myself. I have tried. Why does it hurt so much?

Is it sad that I stay because he has no one else? He loves me...does he? Whenever I ask, he cries and makes me doubt my resolve to leave. Do I leave? Do I stay? At what cost?

When will the Zenbi that dreamed about freedom as a child escape her new gilded cage? Love is not freedom- it is chains. And a cage that one is afraid to leave.

I once escaped death. I once forbade lies and hurt.

Why am I so weak now?

Why am I still crying?

Resignation. What's the point of being upset anymore? Nothing changes. The hurt remains and digs further every time.

When I become a shell of who I once was- I hope I come back to this and remember Mt.Seena. Go to the mountains to find peace. If I can't become a priestess anymore, perhaps I can be their kitchen maid.

Summer

I hate it.

I hate that he knows that I love to dance but refuses to take me.

I hate that he chooses to go with his fucktarded "friends" of several weeks to a club instead of me.

I hate that he thinks it's okay to tear me to pieces: telling me that he's okay dancing with another random girl (and getting turned on by her to top it off!), but won't give me a half-assed dance without a sigh of long suffering and a look of martyrdom. I love dancing more than I love breathing. I gave it up for him- why can't he ever stop to think of me?!

I hate that I care. I never used to care. I hate that I can't just tell him to fucking take a hike and that it's over between us. I don't need this shit. I still need him.

I hate that my mom is dying faster by the day and he won't stop to consider what he's doing to me. It's always HIS problems, HIS suffering.

I suffer silently.

I hate that I can't talk to him. When we started he made me promise to tell him everything. How can I? He always reacts in the DUMBEST way.

Whenever I say anything to the SLIGHTEST that I'm unhappy or that he's hurt me, he gets so FUCKING EMO and withdraws into himself and tells me I should find someone better. Why can't he understand that I don't WANT someone better. I want HIM- but I fucking can't deal with this shit. Why can't he just fucking LISTEN to me without being the FUCKTARD EMO BITCH that he turns into?

How the hell can I continue to date him when I can't even talk to him? What type of relationship is it when you can't be honest with the one you love?

Why can't he see that between my two jobs, my mom and dealing with him, I'm so stressed and overworked that I've stopped eating and sleeping?

Why do I always cry over him? I didn't even cry when I was stripped of my chakra's.

I don't hate him.... but I am begining to resent him.

Is it over?

I think I'm truly in Love with him

And it's going to kill me when he finally realizes that he wants more.....

But for now, I'm happy- and floating on air.

I saw two chickens today

=)

They made me happy. Because they were two girl chickens (I think), and they snuggled up to each other, and would peck at each other every once and awhile (and sometimes they had their butts together because they were mad at each other), but they were content.

I think I am content.

Back home with my blanket and my bed and my pillow.

Never knew ghetto could be so awesome =).


..... I miss him =/

From the Past

I saw Taki yesterday. I know it was him. I'd know that family anywhere.


Why is he back? Is Matsu with him? Of course he is. Taki is Matsu's guard- he follows his older cousin like a dog.

What does Matsu want? Why is he here? What does he want?


What's happening?.............

I don't want to die....

It came again today- the sadness. All of a sudden- stronger than before.

Why am I so weak? At night- all I can hear is his voice telling me that I'm not good enough. That no one will love me.

I used to laugh. Erik loves me. Edward loves me. But they are beginning to forget me. I haven't seen them in over a year. They don't even miss me anymore.

I'm so alone in this world. And I'm beginning to realize that he was right. I'm failing at everything. At being a good daughter, a good sister, a good girlfriend, - hell, even a good student. The sadness is so strong it's overwhelming. I cry all the time now- I never used to cry.

Why am I so weak?

I don't want to die. I'm being selfish I know. But how do I get away from this sadness? It'll killing me from the inside.

I'm a happy person- I really am. Where did all this sadness come from?

Why am I so weak?

I had a fight with someone yesterday. He's an annoying jackass who deserved it. But at the same time that I felt satisfaction at telling me off to his face- I felt betrayed by the one who should have stayed with me the entire time.

Instead he left to the other side of the room and then to another room as the tension grew after fat-ass and I exchanged blows. I wanted to be held and protected- even though I know I can handle myself.

I keep telling myself that I scared him. Or he was somehow afraid and that's why he left me. Because the other alternative -that he values his RA more than he values me- would just completely crush me.

He denies it though. And deep in my heart I know he was never afraid.

Why am I so weak?

I went to medical. They said I had a mild case of depression. Happy people don't get depression. Weak people do. Only people with something wrong with them do. Why am I so sad?

We fight all the time now. He says he loves me. But he'll yell at me, or get this annoyed tone that makes me feel so unwanted that I just go.

He think I'm angry. I'm not. I'm just trying to hold myself together, or I'll break down infront of him. It was okay before. But I can't ever do it again. He won't love me if I'm weak. He told me so. He said that he loved me because I was strong.

But I'm not strong enough to be happy without him. So I'll pretend- for both our sakes.

Why am I so weak?

I'm so tired.

And crying used to make me feel better. Now I just get more sad.


Why isn't he here? I miss him terribly. I know I'll see him again in a few hours. I'm still upset with him. I hope he was afraid. Maybe I'll ask him again. Time to start pretending again. Maybe if I prop myself with enough fake smiles, I can make it through the rest of the day without collapsing.

Pretending is getting hard every day.

There is something Stirring in the darkness

I feel it. Deep in my bones.

The old ways are gone. I am the last of a line of swordsmen. And even that has been stripped of me. How can I teach when I no longer can do?

I'm so lonely. He won't be back until tomorrow night. I still miss him with all my heart.

I don't know where to turn anymore. What shall I do with myself?

Even my mind has turned against me.