I don't want to die....

It came again today- the sadness. All of a sudden- stronger than before.

Why am I so weak? At night- all I can hear is his voice telling me that I'm not good enough. That no one will love me.

I used to laugh. Erik loves me. Edward loves me. But they are beginning to forget me. I haven't seen them in over a year. They don't even miss me anymore.

I'm so alone in this world. And I'm beginning to realize that he was right. I'm failing at everything. At being a good daughter, a good sister, a good girlfriend, - hell, even a good student. The sadness is so strong it's overwhelming. I cry all the time now- I never used to cry.

Why am I so weak?

I don't want to die. I'm being selfish I know. But how do I get away from this sadness? It'll killing me from the inside.

I'm a happy person- I really am. Where did all this sadness come from?

Why am I so weak?

I had a fight with someone yesterday. He's an annoying jackass who deserved it. But at the same time that I felt satisfaction at telling me off to his face- I felt betrayed by the one who should have stayed with me the entire time.

Instead he left to the other side of the room and then to another room as the tension grew after fat-ass and I exchanged blows. I wanted to be held and protected- even though I know I can handle myself.

I keep telling myself that I scared him. Or he was somehow afraid and that's why he left me. Because the other alternative -that he values his RA more than he values me- would just completely crush me.

He denies it though. And deep in my heart I know he was never afraid.

Why am I so weak?

I went to medical. They said I had a mild case of depression. Happy people don't get depression. Weak people do. Only people with something wrong with them do. Why am I so sad?

We fight all the time now. He says he loves me. But he'll yell at me, or get this annoyed tone that makes me feel so unwanted that I just go.

He think I'm angry. I'm not. I'm just trying to hold myself together, or I'll break down infront of him. It was okay before. But I can't ever do it again. He won't love me if I'm weak. He told me so. He said that he loved me because I was strong.

But I'm not strong enough to be happy without him. So I'll pretend- for both our sakes.

Why am I so weak?

I'm so tired.

And crying used to make me feel better. Now I just get more sad.


Why isn't he here? I miss him terribly. I know I'll see him again in a few hours. I'm still upset with him. I hope he was afraid. Maybe I'll ask him again. Time to start pretending again. Maybe if I prop myself with enough fake smiles, I can make it through the rest of the day without collapsing.

Pretending is getting hard every day.