Resignation

I cried today.

First time in a few months. First time over him in a while- is three months awhile?

Am I just so worthless that I stay with him? Is this what love does? Tears out your heart bit by bit and chains you to prevent escape?

He says he doesn't know why he does it. Of course he doesn't - unless you're truly evil, no man knows why they do it. Why do they cheat on their wives? Why do them beat them? Why do they lie? No one knows. And the weak stay - the bold leave.

Am I weak? Am I weak to stay when I've left before? This is the longest I have ever gone. Three and a half years now- maybe love makes you weaker.

He brags to his fraternity about his little whore. They laugh and deride me behind my back. I know it. He does things for complete strangers that he refuses to do for me. He expects me to let him in and be myself. I have tried. Why does it hurt so much?

Is it sad that I stay because he has no one else? He loves me...does he? Whenever I ask, he cries and makes me doubt my resolve to leave. Do I leave? Do I stay? At what cost?

When will the Zenbi that dreamed about freedom as a child escape her new gilded cage? Love is not freedom- it is chains. And a cage that one is afraid to leave.

I once escaped death. I once forbade lies and hurt.

Why am I so weak now?

Why am I still crying?

Resignation. What's the point of being upset anymore? Nothing changes. The hurt remains and digs further every time.

When I become a shell of who I once was- I hope I come back to this and remember Mt.Seena. Go to the mountains to find peace. If I can't become a priestess anymore, perhaps I can be their kitchen maid.