I don't know who I am anymore

I'm not usually a sad person. Who ever finds this- I just want you to know. I write this, so that (ironically) I can hide this everyday from everyone. I've become very good at hiding everything. It's exhausting, but necessary.

The depression hits every once in a while you know. At first, because I was all alone in this world. And then, again, when someone that loved me betrayed me. And now, once more- as the one I love, I don't think needs me anymore.

I was born into a world where lies and manipulation are key. Grandfather Kimi - I name him that, but he was Matsu's great uncle - named me Sesshouzenbi. He had said that I should have been born a boy. He would have then called me Sesshoumaru: The Killing Perfection, or the Perfect Death.

I've always had a way with weapons. Hand to hand combat, not so much, but Grandfather Kimi said that I was born with the Sword of Heaven in one hand, and the Fan of Death in the other. He loved me- though I knew him for only a summer.

And now, I have given up everything- for Him. I chose life without Art, to death with it for Him. I have lived a shadow of my past self for a year, and he has not noticed. Every punch I throw hurts; every kick- torture. Breathing hurts, running hurts, living hurts. I am now a babe in the world where I was once queen. He doesn't understand. For him, I gave my limbs. What mortal does not prefer death to that? Helpless in a world where I never feared the shadows because I was better than anything the darkness could throw at me, I now am but a mouse waiting for my uncles to come.

Matsu once told me that he loved me because I could kill without remorse, but that I chose not to. What am I now then? A butterfly that has been stripped of her wings.

It is our 14th month anniversary today. Last year he held me for a day after not seeing me the entire summer. I was something to be cherished, and I felt love in every touch. On Saturday, the touches faded to something ..... mandatory. I am no longer needed. Was I just a very long rebound from a girl that he could not have before? I am tainted compared to her- a living sin.

I finally understand what my grandfather meant when he said that I was not good enough. There is no more why to be asked. I am just not good, and that is why I am doomed to forever be alone.

I thought he loved me. I lost my heart to him- I cannot have it back. The pain will fade perhaps. I must hope it does or I will not want to live. I will bask in his affection until that dies then. Perhaps then I can go back to the life of a priestess. No temple in Asia will take me now, but I can live in the mountains of Vietnam perhaps- they will not find me there.

And I can finally repent for the sins of my ancestors in peace.

I hope that their burden falls on me alone- I will not have my siblings suffer. One is enough.


Whoever said that it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all lied. I should have accepted death. Who can love a shell? He cannot love me.

I miss him....

I know I'm not supposed to.

That's a given. Yes, I'm dating him, yes I love him, but I'm not supposed to miss him this much when he's gone.

I'm not supposed to not sleep at night because he's not next to me.

I'm not supposed to have a stone on my chest every time I think he's there but he's not.

I'm supposed to be independent. I'm supposed to be above everything. I'm NOT supposed to be emotionally dependent on him- but I am.

He says he is emotionally dependent on me as well. That I'm not so sure about. He'll bounce back. I'm not sure I will.

Maybe it's just because I miss him.

Theme isn't it? Girls just wanna be held....

It Was Just a Shitty Week

I think today just started wrong. I had interview after interview all this week, and on top of that school stress- I'm seriously worried about failing a class (and I have a major test in it next week). Sleep deprivation is never good for one's peppiness.

I skipped three of my classes today, and I only went to one. I slept a lot, walked a lot, and basically did nothing- It should have been a great day- but it wasn't. I know I sound whiny. I really hate that I do, but one can't help what you feel you know? It was a bad week.

Today, all I wanted to do was watch one measly movie with my boyfriend and have just down time to wind down after the week. I know I can't afford it- I really should be studying now, but there's only so much one can do before you snap. He had other things on his mind- you know, guy things. But I really wasn't in the mood and he got cranky.

I really don't understand guys. They SAY they can so think above their dick, but in reality- they SO can not.

Anyways, we ended up going out to dinner and to his fraternity. By go to dinner, I mean, he meets up with a girl from his high school, figures out that she's already had dinner, so we go to a restaurant and grab wraps to go. And by to go, I mean to go back to his fraternity. Since this weekend is a campus preview weekend for my college, his fraternity is busy whoring itself to potential new members for next year. He just kind of ditched me (I'm a little pissed off) and I took a cab home.

What the fuck.

Seriously. I mean- normally I wouldn't mind, but he just doesn't GET it. I do SO SO much for him. I basically sacrifice myself and my sleep (precious PRECIOUS sleep) time to make him happy, and I get FUCKING JACK SHIT in return.

Like for real- all I wanted was a movie, and for him to spend the night just holding me after a shit week, and a shittier day. I offered to stay in his fraternity until like 2 in the morning, if he would come back and sleep in my dorm with me. He has to be on campus tomorrow anyways right when he wakes up, so like- what's the problem right?

No. It doesn't matter what I want. He needs to sleep in his bed, so that he can do god knows what.



Fuck it- Thanks for reading whoever's out there. I hope this helped you, because it sure didn't help me. I'm tired. This is just making me angrier.